Geese and the Stories we Wear

How has October been for you? Even though it is one of the longer months on the calendar, it has felt like it has flown – like someone pushed the fast forward button! Outside my window right now, leaves and snow are both flying through the air on a cold artic wind. Mother Nature can’t seem to make up her mind as to the season we are in. I am hoping fall manages to stick around for a few more weeks.

For my American friends, I am sure the swift approaching election day has occupied much time and attention lately. As your neighbor to the north, I pray for a peaceful election day and the days that follow whatever the outcome. I pray that you would have courage to vote as your own heart leads, and gratitude as you do so, knowing not all have this privilege.

The geese are still here, which is a sign that winter is not yet upon us. I love to hear their haunting calls as they fly overhead. Sometimes they get a bad reputation for their aggressive behavior toward humans, but I think they could still teach us a thing or two. Geese gather in the nearby fields, fattening themselves for the long journey ahead. They do it all in community. It is rare to see a Canada goose on its own. Most times, at least at this time of year, they are congregated in large groups, all waiting for the signal to head south. I think about how comforting that must be— to listen together for the signal, to not be the one who sets off alone on their migration. They work together and support each other. Once airborne, they continually rotate in their V formation. The bird in the lead meets the most wind resistance and only leads for a short time before another bird rotates in. “Geese are socially developed birds and seem to do well at sharing this responsibility, even offering support to the leader with their honking calls.”¹The V formation allow the geese to take advantage of the lift created by the bird/birds in front. The ones in the back have the easiest time and so they too rotate regularly. They seem to continually monitor one another, adjusting as they see one of their group in need of help.

Photo by Gary Bendig via Unsplash

This month’s edition of A Capacity for Wings is taking a detour! I hope you follow along and still find something that makes you feel seen and that ignites a flame of hope within your heart.

The Stories We Wear

If only our clothing could talk! There would be so many stories of bravery, heartbreak, fitting in, and the messages we believe about our bodies. If we were to sort through our closet, it would be like a trip down memory lane and a visit with our former selves. What are the stories your clothes would tell?

 I think of how, as women, our clothing choices have often been limited or defined by a male-dominated worldview. We have been trained to both attract and repel the male gaze. The influence purity culture has had on the way women dress is pervasive. Our wardrobe has often been dictated by the fashion industry— its whims and unrealistic views of body shape and size. The trend cycle is so short that what was fashionable two weeks ago is not longer so. It feels like we can never get it right.

I bought an adorable black jumpsuit a few months ago at Value Village. The fabric is soft, stretchy, and flowy. The pant legs, wide and short with a row of thin white trim along the bottom. The top is gathered with elastic so it is fitted. It is intended to be worn off the shoulder but I cannot imagine doing so. I remember in high school when tube tops were the rage and how uncomfortable I felt unless it had straps. I probably doubted my ability to hold the top on with my tiny boobs. I was a card-carrying member of the IBTC (itty bitty titty committee). I was not above doing the exercises, while chanting, “We must, we must increase our bust” made famous by Margaret in Judy Blume’s beloved, Are you There God, It’s Me, Margaret?.  I believed there was something wrong with my body. It is not only larger bodies that feel body shame, but also the ones who are small, flat, and curve-less.  I have to wonder if these same thoughts and insecurities are guiding my decision not to wear the jumpsuit as intended.

The clothing we chose is often a way we attempt to fit in. We mimic the styles of those around us to be part of the in-crowd, or we might purposely choose not to, in order to signal our uniqueness and affinity to a small fringe group. Even as adults we typically dress along party lines, avoiding yet another way we feel alienated from others and ourselves.

Influencing my clothing choices as a young person, were the often-unspoken rules for what a “good Christian girl” should portray in her dress. I was coached to be a nice young lady – not a person with my own tastes and preferences.  I was forced to wear a dress at least once per week in junior high because that is what girls were supposed to do, even though I have always been more comfortable in pants. I cheated as much as I could, wearing shorts or pants underneath those dreaded dresses. During the same time, there was also a subtle message that I was not to draw attention to myself in any way – that was unbecoming, prideful, self-seeking. So, clothing should be chosen to blend in, not make waves, and to camouflage who I truly was. This also extended to piercings, hair styles and, needless to say, tattoos. In my world, this outward conformity to a certain standard became the only measurement for holiness. My spiritual formation was ignored, but my dressing was closely monitored.

I see this same tendency in the Trad-wife movement on TikTok. There is a suggested piety and in their embrace of traditional gender roles and the wearing of prairie-style dresses as they do their house and farm work.  I listened as one Tradwife was instructing others on what to allow their daughters to wear, echoing the messages of purity culture that we thought was finally losing its influence.

Tumbled into this mess of inner messages is the belief that to love fashion is to be superficial and shallow.  We have been schooled in a form of Gnosticism that tells us the body is bad or at least less than the mind. We are taught to deny the beauty of our bodies, to hide them in fear that they will cause men to stumble. We say we believe they are temples, but often treat them as something to be hidden rather than celebrated. Christ himself, by coming to earth in a body much like our own, proved their value. To pay attention to our bodies and to clothe them with intention and attention is not shallow but a beautiful way to affirm their innate goodness.

I have worked through some of those messages from my upbringing, gaining confidence in my ability to wear the things I like. But just when I am gaining freedom, come the messages of ageism. I hear the phrase, “you look good for your age” — that backhanded compliment that leaves me somehow feeling less than. The crepey skin I now find on my neck and chest, the extra softness around my middle, and the sense of shame I feel over this. We all know we live in a society which values youth and youthful beauty, but I wonder how have we gotten to this point that we think the very normal skin on an older person must be hidden away. I know many women of a certain age, who will no longer wear shorts or sleeveless tops because they don’t want their mature, changed skin and shape exposed. This feels like a huge loss to me. I would like to think, by the time we reach middle age and later, that we would have the inner freedom to dress how we want. I feel for the women sweating it out in the summer in long pants, and sleeves all out of fear of being seen.  

I hover in the in-between, feeling one moment young, and the next old and decrepit.

I was visiting my mom recently and, since I always travel light, I have limited options to wear to church on a Sunday. I asked her if shorts were appropriate in her church. She stunned me when she replied, “well shorts are worn, but never by someone your age”.  And there it was, ageism trying to inform my clothing choices.

I wonder what would happen if we women learned to dress for ourselves. If we picked out colors we adore, fabrics that bring us joy and feel good on our skin – what if we picked out something to wear that was authentically us? Would we be recognized? Supported? Or would we receive the shaming, diminishing comments or looks we are accustomed to when we decide to color outside the lines.

When I last wore my jumpsuit, I paired it with a hot pink and white polka dot sweater and my “same-same- but-different” bright pink daisy earrings. I am finally learning to listen to my ideas of what is beautiful and fun, and what brings me joy when I wear it. I am rejecting the idea of appropriate dress for “someone my age” or what a good Christian woman would wear. I still hear the old recordings as I pick out what to wear, but I am learning to a little bit freer in this area. Who knows— maybe I will wear my jumpsuit off my shoulders one day!

How about you? Which voices and messages have influenced what you choose to wear? I would truly love to hear.

Growth at Every Stage

Many of us have suitcases full of beliefs, hurts, and embedded messages we have carried throughout our whole lives. It seems midlife is a good time to unpack the baggage and find all that it holds is no longer relevant or needed.

Maybe the messaging around our bodies and clothing is not an issue for you, perhaps your baggage centers around the things you were certain about earlier in life that now need to be examined. Beliefs about who is welcome in God’s family, how rest is a gift rather than something to be avoided and looked down upon, what being a follower of Jesus truly looks like. Maybe you followed the formula you were taught for a successful family, only to find it did not work out the way you imagined and you wonder what God is up to.

I am thankful that we do not need to remain stuck in old patterns no matter our age. We can wrestle and mourn, question and challenge, and still find ourselves completely loved and heard by God. We may not get the answers we are looking for but we will cultivate an open and honest heart and the ever-present companionship of our Good Shepherd. Just because something used to be true of you, does not mean it has to stay that way. We can change, we can make different choices, we are free to grow.

There is great freedom to be found in leaving the baggage behind. I love these words of Jesus,

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

I love that Jesus won’t try and make us wear something that does not fit us!  I hope this promise of living in the unforced rhythms of grace is true for you today.

One of the things helping me right now in changing my views is a wonderful book called The Emmanuel Promise. I have read through it a few times since it came out earlier this year and each time, I find something new – some new layer to peel back. A few weeks ago, I started leading a small group of women at my church through this book and it has been so beautiful. The book invites deep thought about our early lives and the messages that formed us, and then leads us through examples and practices to repair the attachment wounds we have suffered, our misguided views of who God is, and the struggle to feel God’s loving presence in our everyday lives. It is no exaggeration to say it is life-changing.

If you have been looking for a study that offers more, that helps people go deeper with God and one another, I would highly recommend this one.

Are you in need of a joy infusion?

Alastair Sterne, a fellow Canadian writer has written a beautiful book called, Longing for Joy: An Invitation into the Goodness and Beauty of Life. The title alone makes me feel seen, because who among us is not longing for joy? I had the privilege of reading an advanced copy of it and I loved it. It is an exploration of what authentic joy is, what keeps us from experiencing it, how to cultivate it. Alastair tells everyday stories, with his quirky sense of humor and with vulnerability, reminding us that joy resides with us always, even in unexpected places. He exposes the error of the fake joy of positivity— no plastering over our feelings with a “rejoice always” Bible verse— and dives deep into what real joy looks like. He points out how joy in the heart of one person will look very different from the joy in another person. This is a thoughtful and inspiring look at one of the great gifts we have as an inheritance as God’s people.

I always and only recommend books I have personally read and think that you might benefit from. If I find a wonderful resource, why wouldn’t I share it with you folks? Perhaps this is a little like the geese—as I grow, my forward movement can offer a lift to you and when I tire, you can do the same for me. Together we encourage one anther until we reach our final destination.

It only seems fitting to include an excerpt from Mary Oliver’s much-loved poem, Wild Geese.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Thanks for being here,

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1. Geese Flying Formation: Who leads the V formation and why?